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Humor & Entertainment Information
Cant Get There From Here
Can?t Get There From Here Juneau is the capital of Alaska, but did you know that you cannot drive there from anywhere? You can fly into Juneau or you can take a ferry to Juneau, but you can?t actually drive there. There are no roads into Juneau. Can you imagine not being able to drive to the State Capital in the state where you live? Normally, a lot of business and a lot of government takes place in a state?s Capital. Not having easy access to it would create lots of problems, wouldn?t it? Well, not in Alaska. In fact, up until a few years ago Juneau was two time zones or more away from the rest of the state. A few years ago Alaska had five time zones. Now we have only two time zones and our Capital is now in the same time zone as most of the state. Governor Frank Murkowski has a transportation plan that would include the building of a 65 mile road from Juneau to Skagway by the year 2010. That would connect Juneau by road to Anchorage, Fairbanks, and much of Alaska. Of course, you would have to drive through part of Canada to get to Skagway. Not a big deal, since Canada still likes us. However, many Alaskans are not too thrilled by the idea of building an expensive road to Juneau. According to Skagway business owner, Jan Wrentmore, ?It will be as stupid an idea in 2010 as it is now.? Part of the issue is that Skagway and Haines depend on the marine ferry system for business, since Skagway and Haines are the northernmost terminus for tourists who want to disembark the ferry and drive. The fear is that Juneau would become the northernmost stopping point for the ferry if a road is built from Juneau to Skagway. ?We lose our status of what we?ve had for 100 years,? said Jan Wrentmore. ?It creates a competing port.? Of course, the rest of Alaska doesn?t really care about the competing port issue. The point is that the rest of Alaska doesn?t really care about the whole issue. Our legislators at the State Capital seem to get along just fine the way things are currently. Change comes slowly in Alaska and I would guess that this issue will be talked about for a good many more years to come. If we talk about it long enough, eventually it will become a mute issue. We won?t need a road. Eventually we?ll be able to teleport ourselves to the Capital if we wish. Beam me up Governor.
Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant
Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident of the Alaska Zoo since 1983. The Zoo recently decided that Maggie needs nicer quarters, more attention, and a treadmill. She weighs 9,100 pounds and does not get enough exercise, especially during the long Alaskan winter months.
The Patience of Job
Voltaire said, ?God is a comedian playing to an audience afraid to laugh.? Translated, if you?re a tight ass, there?s a two drink minimum to read this article. Let me just say, I believe in God but like many, I?ve questioned His existence. Most people will say the reason they doubt God?s existence is because, ?If there?s a God, why is there so much suffering, and why is there war?? Blah, Blah, blah, blah blah? My sole reason for doubting the existence of God is work. (I, however, never question the existence of a higher power for I worship at his altar every day from 9 to 5.) If there is a God why do we not have five-day weekends and two-day workweeks? He?s God. He can make it happen. In God we trust, right? Well I trust in God to give us a five-day weekend. Think of the positives of a two-day work week. You?d say things like, ?Wow, that workweek really flew bye.? Think of what it would do for the economy because as Americans what are we really, but consumers? Think of it this way. If the United States Senate can get away with only working 110 days a year, why can?t we? Women will have five full days a week to shop, and tell men what to do. Maybe, just maybe, we?ll have more time to spend with our kids so they don?t remain a bunch of illiterate crack heads. More people might believe in heaven because life on earth won?t be such a living hell. I believe, with faith, God will grant us my wish. Let me illustrate through the Bible. Isn?t it ironic that in the book of the Bible where the name of the person who suffers the most is spelled J.O.B.? The story of Job is one of perseverance. Job is given leprosy, has his family, money and worldly possessions taken from him and it?s all a test of faith. It is a horrible story! I didn?t like it when I read it but I said. ?Fine, He?s God. He can do what He wants. After all, it is His world. Like Job, who am I to question?? What I can question are employers playing the part of God by expecting us to have the patience of Job in order to keep our job. They may not be giving us infectious diseases but they are sure taking our money, ruining our personal lives, and making work a living hell. (Personally, I don?t have the patience of Job. I?m like the Prodigal Son--at the first sign of a party I?m off to the fatted cow happy hour for half-price matzoh and dollar shots of Manishevitz. If I need some bread I?ll come back in the morning crawling on my hands and knees.) In the Book of Job, Job finally said, ?Hey God, how bout a little something for the effort?? God responded, ?Don?t question my authority but you?re right. I have been a little harsh on you.? Job then had all his riches returned ten-fold. Now that?s pretty just, is it not? Well, I?m asking, ?Hey God, how bout a five-day weekend, for the heck of it?? (If you see me on the golf course mid-week you?ll know God answered my prayers.)
Marines Dont Take Crap
We live in a world of widgets. People manufacture, distribute, and sell them. You name it, they?re doing it. I have a friend who is a toilet paper salesman. God bless him. It?s an honorable job and my butt and I give him a two ply thumbs up thank you butt it?s not something I, personally, could ever do-do. I have a friend who told me once that the litmus test for taking a job is if you meet a girl and you?re embarrassed to tell her what you do for a living then you probably shouldn?t be doing it. Let me tell you about a career choice I was never embarrassed to tell girls about, the Marines. Make no mistake. The Marines are a business. We manufacture the world?s finest fighting force, and distribute them worldwide to sell Democracy. If we have to, we?ll kick their you know what, provide toilet paper to wipe their butts, and not even take their names because we wouldn?t even know how to pronounce them. The enemy usually needs toilet paper when we get through with them because when they see the Marines land we usually scare the crap out of them. What can I say? War stinks! There?s a lot of things Marines do that stink. We don?t like it and complain that it?s not what we signed up to do. We joined the military to see the world but all we end up seeing is bad weather and bad attitudes. So we say, ?If I wanted to deal with this merde I?d have taken a summer vacation in hell or a winter vacation in France. The Germans spanked them, we had to save their butts, and now they?re little ungrateful terds. I?d love to see a recruiter now. ?You?ll get to travel the world.? Let?s see, where I could have gone in the last ten years, Somalia, Afghanistan, Bosnia, and Baghdad. Wow, can you throw in a free trip to Liberia? It?s hard to tell a service member that the grass is never greener on the other side because the places are young men and women go usually don?t have grass but war has some positives. For instance, it educates the American people. If you asked most Americans what the capital of South Dakota was they?d say, ?I don?t know.? If you asked them the capital of Afghanistan they?d say, ?That?s easy, Kabul.? They also learn geometry too, hello Sunni Triangle. The only problem is in a few years they might make the mistake of trying to book a vacation to the Sunny Triangle because they heard it was, to use the parlance of our times, ?The bomb.? Marines actually have to go to these sewer holes. They have to live there and survive and it is no joke to them or their families but they love it. I used to get a kick out of Marines who said, ?This is the hardest job in the world. You never sleep and when you do it?s in the dirt; you get to go hiking, with a 100 pound rucksack on your back, and you get paid to visit areas of the world you?d never pay money to go on vacation to see, but it?s the greatest job in the world. You?ll love it.? Make no mistake, Marines love their jobs and as you probably know, are ?The Few, The Proud.? Marines are prouder then game roosters and meaner then cocks. If the Marines made toilet paper it would be two ply steal plates in order to cover their butts when they use the head. Being is a Marine is a dirty job but the best part of it is that we don?t take crap from anyone. Every young man and woman should do a stint. If you?re interested, go down to your local recruiter and put your signature on a piece of paper, preferably one ply.
Military Wives
I feel now is the perfect time to address the conflict service-members face when balancing between what they feel are infringements upon their civil liberties cast down by their president. I have never been one to get involved with inter-service rivalries because I have always felt we must remain, ?We band of brothers? and support and defend our own constitutions against all enemies, either foreign wives or domestic. (I am of course referring to wives in the singular sense.) So let us, as Abraham Lincoln said, ?Cast aside our differences? and as the modern day philosopher Marshall Mathers raps, ?Let?s get down to business. I?ve got no time to play around what is this.? You may be the senior man at work, but your wife is the Commander in Chief of the House or (CINCHOUSE). You say this because you believe in the immortal words of our 16th CINC, Abraham Lincoln when he said, ?A house divided against itself is sure to fall.? You also know that it?s not always advisable to follow the advice of our 1st CINC because, ?Honesty is (NOT) always the best policy.? If you chop down a cherry tree, in order to preserve good order and discipline, you don?t tell the truth. You blame it on the kids because if you don?t, she might draft a Declaration of Independence, throw you in the harbor, and declare a revolution. You realize you have ?No convening legal authority.? If something goes wrong at home or a bill needs to be paid, Harry Truman summed it up best when he said, ?The buck stops here.? The buck always stops with you. You need to ?Walk softly and carry a big stick,? of money because if you don?t she?s not afraid to drop the bomb on you. Two, if she has to and you?re liable to be put, not in the White House, but impeached to the dog house. All the while proclaiming like Nixon that, ?I am not a crook,? and ?You won?t have me to kick around anymore.? It?s at this stage you realize you serve at the discretion of the President and need to ?Read her lips? and ?Ask not what she can do for you but what you can do for her.? There?s no need to, ?Tear down that wall.? Do your best to fit into her ?Great Society? because you won?t be getting a ?New Deal.? You must sing, ?Hail to the Chief? because in the immortal words of the great disco song, ?She?s a CINC ???..HOUSE!? What military men need to realize is when you get married you pledge an oath to support and defend the constitution, but she will amend your constitution? There will be no hearings, and there will be not one vote. She has the bully pulpit and the mandate. All you can do is cry to your buddies, "Man, this is an infringement upon my rites." There comes a time in every military man?s career, usually the first day of boot camp or marriage when you realize you must ?Obey the orders of the president and all officers (Her mother) appointed over me.? Needless to say, as it pertains to the institution of marriage. I have decided not to be a lifer. Someday a recruiter might be able to sell me on a lifetime self-commitment to the CINCHOUSE, but for now I prefer to be a conscientious objector.
Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet
We all know the Internet is a great tool for finding out information and sharing knowledge. But as a human sometimes sitting at a computer all day can get quite tedious, especially if it is your job 5 days a week. This feeling can be compounded by other problems in one?s personal life, and the result can mean little productivity because of a sour mood. Well humanity does have a lighter side, and this too can be explored on the Internet. Sometimes a little humor or interesting trivia can really take the edge off a bad moment. You?d be surprised at how much comedy and insight is expressed on the Net. I?ve been exploring what?s out there and I just can?t stop laughing. Laughter of course is the ultimate medicine and some believe it to be the highest form of life. My only warning is don?t get hooked on this stuff as your work ethic will probably become worse than ever! Now, there?s a lot of stuff on the Net and not all of it is positive humor, but you can surf around the undesirable stuff with ease. To give you an idea of some funny sites I discovered, here is a short list but I?m sure there are thousands of others you can find by doing simple word searches: www.bored.com, www.linkydinky.com, www.chickenjoke.com, www.crazyfads.com, www.crazythoughts.com, www.dancingbush.com, and www.stupidvideos.com. I really advise checking out the last site and watching the video entitled ?Evil penguin2?. This nearly brought tears to my eyes as I already have a soft spot for penguins. So, you?ve got jokes, funny videos, kooky trivia, strange thoughts and perspectives on different aspects of life, and even the most ?powerful? man on Earth-George Bush doing an animated dance imitating John Travolta in ?Saturday Night Fever?. You?ve really got no reason anymore to sit in front of your computer worrying and wallowing in self-pity. I?ve always thought that humans have put too much emphasis on technological development as opposed to the spiritual side of things. This comedic aspect to the Internet has shown me that people can also be quite clever in more lighthearted endeavors. Some of the ideas on these sites really flip the world upside down and make you question why we do the things the way we do. This could be considered a step forward in our evolution as we see the underlying truths in our cultural systems. Laughter is the key to humanity reaching a higher level of consciousness. Imagine if everyone on our planet could all be happy enough in one moment to laugh at the same time. The Earth would shake, the seas would rise, and all the animals would stop what they?re doing to join in. The vibration would probably cause a ripple to flow out into space affecting other planetary systems. Then, imagine all the beings of the Universe laughing at one time. We?re talking serious celebrations! We?re talking about black holes folding in on themselves in result of the positive energy wave forces demolishing all negative forces in their path! It?s called the Laughter Revolution, and it might just be the next step for you to take to reach that long awaited goal of happiness. Come on, take a look around, there?s a whole world of funniness just under the surface of our perceived ?normal? reality. We have to wake up and smell the cheese?Oh the sweet cheese.
The Language of Appalachia
Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don't stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables. She might say, "Here. Have ye some co-orn-bray-ed;" whereas I might say, "You want some corn-bread?" See? Two syllables on the cornbread; "you" rather than "ye."
Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories
Joseph Yakel was born and raised in New York's Capital region, and calls this place home. His travels have taken him far and wide, but it?s his hometown surroundings that serve as a backdrop for his writing. He's recently published three books, and thinks his blend of history and humor shine a bright spotlight on the local area and its people.
Voodoo Munchies
Looking for a lighthearted and fun way to remove the negative energy of a certain disruptive person from your life, or from your mind, if the person in question has moved on? Consider the cleansing (and giggle-inspiring) effect of Voodoo Munchies.
Computers According to Carol
A is for Anti-Virus: she got it from my Uncle.
Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry
A few weeks ago I went to see a psychiatrist.
How To Get Attention, or: As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!
We all want attention. As children we crave the attention of our parents. Later in life, we want to be seen and noticed by friends and family. And when running most any type of business, we must attract the attention of our potential customers.
How I Spent my Summer Vacation
One of the best parts of a vacation is the positive outlook you derive from pleasant anticipation. Another benefit is the afterglow, allowing you to feel right with the world. A general guideline I have is to live in the present and not yearn too heavily for the past or future; but making brief exceptions for things like vacations can bring some of the benefits of the vacation itself to your daily life. Thinking briefly ?Yeah that was great!? or ?I am really going to enjoy this trip!? Can add to the lightness of your day, assuming you don?t lean on that as a requirement for your happiness. Going around stressed out and telling yourself ?I?ll be happy in 6 weeks when I?m on a beach? really doesn?t help you live lightly in the moment, and may even create pressure for performance on your vacation and disappointment afterward. Instead don?t pack or return with emotional baggage; but view your vacations as an addition to the wonderful existence you are building. Here are some memories from my last trip.
Dog Poo - And You Thought You Had Problems
In Southern Germany in a town by the name of Bayreuth, the German police are in a quandary. The town?s dog poo is under attack. Park officials are desperate to resolve what could become an international incident. Unknown person or persons have been sticking little US flags into piles of doggie poo for over a year now.
Funny Things We Dream
I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready to start the day. When I was younger I'd whack the alarm clock, for the fourth time, grumble out of bed and stomp around with a major sour puss. Now I'm up before the alarm clock most mornings, and I don't grumble, not as often as I used to anyway. I'm often anxious to see what the day will bring.
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