www.1001TopWords.com |
Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant
Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident of the Alaska Zoo since 1983. The Zoo recently decided that Maggie needs nicer quarters, more attention, and a treadmill. She weighs 9,100 pounds and does not get enough exercise, especially during the long Alaskan winter months. Alaska Zoo officials debated this past year about whether to keep Maggie. She has been the only elephant in the zoo since 1997 when her companion of 14 years, Annabelle, died. Some experts believe that in order to be healthy and happy a zoo elephant should be part of a small herd of 3 or more. The Zoo's elephant committee decided that the risks of moving Maggie out of state and of totally changing her life were too great. Besides, she seems happy here and she has a familiar "herd" in Alaska already. Numerous Zoo officials, animal handlers and exercisers, and familiar frequent visitors spend many hours a day with her. In order to increase Maggie's comfort and health, zoo officials decided to give Maggie's living quarters softer flooring and better ventilation. Zoo staff will also increase the number of hours that they spend with Maggie from 8 hours daily to 12 to 16 hours daily. Finally, the Zoo will help Maggie get more year-round exercise and lose weight. They will purchase an elephant-sized treadmill. However, nobody has ever designed or built an elephant treadmill. Designs are being developed now, but if you have any good ideas bring them forward. Then stand in line behind me to watch Maggie work out on her new treadmill. Can you imagine the elephant-sized headphones and iPod that she'll need? ***************************** Garry Gamber is a public school teacher and entrepreneur. He writes articles about real estate, health and nutrition, and internet dating services. He is the owner of http://www.Anchorage-Homes.com and http://www.TheDatingAdvisor.com.
|
RELATED ARTICLES
Beyond Black and White Over visiting a neighbor the other day? Playing Go-Between in the Digital Age NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at *spark-online.com when my grandmother was alive. I came across the link from my Web site and, after debating whether or not to change anything, decided to leave it. As Jadzia Dax said in STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, "If you want to know who you are, it's important to know who you've been." Of course, Edna Mode in THE INCREDIBLES SAYS, "I never look back, dahling. It distracts from the now." So I won't look back, i.e. revise, and will present this essay as it originally appeared. Poor Rixs Almanac 8-27-05 Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food? ? Former Student Saving SpongeBob Using High Tech Put Active RFID Satellite Tags in SpongeBobs Wanted: Treadmill for an Elephant Maggie, the 22 year-old African elephant, has been a resident of the Alaska Zoo since 1983. The Zoo recently decided that Maggie needs nicer quarters, more attention, and a treadmill. She weighs 9,100 pounds and does not get enough exercise, especially during the long Alaskan winter months. Coffee Tips (and the Elimination Thereof) I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I'm not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it's the tip cup that bothers me... Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet We all know the Internet is a great tool for finding out information and sharing knowledge. But as a human sometimes sitting at a computer all day can get quite tedious, especially if it is your job 5 days a week. This feeling can be compounded by other problems in one's personal life, and the result can mean little productivity because of a sour mood. Well humanity does have a lighter side, and this too can be explored on the Internet. Sometimes a little humor or interesting trivia can really take the edge off a bad moment. You'd be surprised at how much comedy and insight is expressed on the Net. I've been exploring what's out there and I just can't stop laughing. Laughter of course is the ultimate medicine and some believe it to be the highest form of life. My only warning is don't get hooked on this stuff as your work ethic will probably become worse than ever! Now, there's a lot of stuff on the Net and not all of it is positive humor, but you can surf around the undesirable stuff with ease. To give you an idea of some funny sites I discovered, here is a short list but I'm sure there are thousands of others you can find by doing simple word searches: www.bored.com, www.linkydinky.com, www.chickenjoke.com, www.crazyfads.com, www.crazythoughts.com, www.dancingbush.com, and www.stupidvideos.com. I really advise checking out the last site and watching the video entitled 'Evil penguin2'. This nearly brought tears to my eyes as I already have a soft spot for penguins. So, you've got jokes, funny videos, kooky trivia, strange thoughts and perspectives on different aspects of life, and even the most 'powerful' man on Earth-George Bush doing an animated dance imitating John Travolta in 'Saturday Night Fever'. You've really got no reason anymore to sit in front of your computer worrying and wallowing in self-pity. I've always thought that humans have put too much emphasis on technological development as opposed to the spiritual side of things. This comedic aspect to the Internet has shown me that people can also be quite clever in more lighthearted endeavors. Some of the ideas on these sites really flip the world upside down and make you question why we do the things the way we do. This could be considered a step forward in our evolution as we see the underlying truths in our cultural systems. Laughter is the key to humanity reaching a higher level of consciousness. Imagine if everyone on our planet could all be happy enough in one moment to laugh at the same time. The Earth would shake, the seas would rise, and all the animals would stop what they're doing to join in. The vibration would probably cause a ripple to flow out into space affecting other planetary systems. Then, imagine all the beings of the Universe laughing at one time. We're talking serious celebrations! We're talking about black holes folding in on themselves in result of the positive energy wave forces demolishing all negative forces in their path! It's called the Laughter Revolution, and it might just be the next step for you to take to reach that long awaited goal of happiness. Come on, take a look around, there's a whole world of funniness just under the surface of our perceived 'normal' reality. We have to wake up and smell the cheese?Oh the sweet cheese. Valet Parking: Theft with Consent This column is long overdue. To put it in library terms, which I guess I already did (but I'd like to elaborate), this column is like checking out a book in 1998 but not returning it until yesterday. And by yesterday, I really mean tomorrow. This analogy will only grow as time continues because yesterday and tomorrow are both relative terms. I can't wait until the space creatures read this in the year 2577. Maybe they will e-mail me when they do, just so I feel like my previous sentence came with a purpose... Maybelle Misfire Joins Mega Corp To: Maybelle MisfireFrom: I. M.. Power, VPWelcome aboard! Delighted you have accepted a position as planning analyst with Mega Corp. See you in September, as they say. Freudian Slippage Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the farmer's market to get our supply of fruits and veggies, leaving Sandra to sleep in. I have strolled up and down, stopping at various vendors to buy the things that appeal to me today and my 2 bags are bulging. This is a process I always enjoy. He Had It Coming, Your Honor This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit. A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes Lawyer Jokes Health Club Regulars ?- Some of the People Youre Likely To Meet at the Gym One of the great benefits of belonging to a health club is the huge variety of exercise equipment that's available. It's also a great place to meet and observe a wide cross section of society. Here are just a few of the more notable health club regulars: Fried Green Tomatoes Recipe My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard. Let me rephrase. She thinks she found a human bone. They were putting up a fence in their backyard. They've been digging and shoveling and leveling posts. I unloaded some boards to be a Mister-Rogers-kind-of-neighbor. And she was still talking about the human bone she'd shown me the day before. The Language of Appalachia Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don't stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables. She might say, "Here. Have ye some co-orn-bray-ed;" whereas I might say, "You want some corn-bread?" See? Two syllables on the cornbread; "you" rather than "ye." Painful Lessons from the Maternity Ward Whoever dubbed New York, New York "the city that never sleeps" should visit The Maternity Ward. My recent visit included a drop-in on several screenings of "A Star Is Born" at the late-show theatre, right near Mama's Breast (all night milk bar) and Papa's Gas Station ("We burp you on your way."). Stopping Bad Breath Bart "Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week."OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then. It's not something I would say to Attila the Hun during a pre-battle pep rally. But it was not Attila the Hun standing in front of me. It was just my buddy Bart."Pee-ew! You have bad breath."So when the phone rang that night, the last person I expected to greet me in a cheery voice was Bad Breath Bart. "Hey, Happy Guy. I'm feeling great," he said. "Want to guess why?""You just won the gold medal for the ten-meter turkey toss?""Nope," he replied. "But thanks for the tip. I'll start training for it tomorrow.""OK, I give up. Why do you feel so great?""Because I discovered an easy way to stop bad breath," he declared. "Want to guess how?""You bought a book on stopping bad breath and you are following the instructions?""Sa-ay, that's a good idea," Bad Breath Bart said. "But that's not it. My plan is even simpler. I covered up my bad breath.""Bart, that won't work. Since Julius Caesar first invaded Paris and declared 'Veni Vidi Vino', people have been trying to cover up their breath. But mint just is not strong enough.""Bingo!" he shouted. "Mint is too weak, so I found something stronger. Want to guess what?""You've been rinsing with five-week-old milk?""Nope.""You've discovered that cologne is best taken internally?""Nope.""You downed a bottle of vanilla extract, mistaking it for beer?""Nope."This guessing game was giving me headaches and foot cramps. "I give up, Bart. What's your secret to stopping bad breath?""Garlic," he declared."Garlic?""Garlic. Now nobody can smell my bad breath, because all they smell is garlic," he beamed."Garlic?""Of course, there are some side effects," Bad Breath Bart noted. "For instance, my pet vampire has run away. And this afternoon I blew a kiss to my wife, and she slammed the door on my face.""Can I offer an alternative, Bart? Something that won't put your nose in a cast every time you get the irresistible urge to blow at your wife?""Sure.""Try using some mouthwash with cetylpyridinium chloride in it. That always works for me.""Wow. That's a mouthful," Bad Breath Bart exclaimed.I was glad to have finally given Bad Breath Bart a mouthful that would actually help him cure his problem. I did not anticipate the call I would receive the very next evening."Hey, Happy Guy. Thanks for the tip," Bad Breath Bart said. "That cetlip... cettap... centapyr... That unpronounceable mouthwash ingredient is superb.""Excellent!" I was thrilled that he had taken my advice and that it was working so well."Yeah. It really tastes great," he continued."Tastes great?""You bet. And so filling, too."Suddenly I felt an ominous sensation closing in. "What do you mean by 'filling'?""After taking that cetilp... cettep... certip... that unpronounceable concoction, I don't feel hungry anymore," he explained."Bart, what did you put in that concoction?""Oh, the usual ? ten scoops of ice cream, a cup or two of milk, a bag of chocolate chips, half a banana, some corn flakes, a wombat's ear and the juice out of the maraschino cherry jar," he responded."But that won't stop your bad breath.""Oops. I also added that cetip... cetpe... certilp... that unpronounceable ingredient," he added. "It sure tasted good."Just then, my wife entered the room. "Honey, I just made you one of your favorite banana-strawberry milkshakes," she said with a smile.I looked at the glass she placed in my hand. I looked at it from the top. I looked at it from the bottom. I looked all around it."What are you looking for," she asked.I knew she would not believe me. "Chocolate chips and corn flakes." The Top 10 All Time Worst Jokes About Piano Players Here, for your barfing pleasure, are the top ten worst jokes of all time about piano players. Nothing personal, you understand, since I am one. But a little comic relief laughing at ourselves is good for both our soul and our humility. Miss Cleo Was a Fake... NO - Really? YES Maaan! With her Jamaican accent Miss Cleo, a self proclaimed psychic and shaman would give you the answers to all life's mysteries... for up to 9.95 per minute. New Orleans First to Experience Housing Bubble Burst Are we starting to see the Housing Bubble Burst in the wake of Hurricane Katrina? In New Orleans many homeowner's had their equity literally washed away. They are upside down in negative equity and basically underwater. It appears that the New Orleans Housing marker has gone down the drain. New Orleans experienced significant growth in the past year, prices had increased; many had taken out second loans to pay off credit car debt, which helped fuel the economy there. Relatively few need their credit cards for recent shopping sprees, as they just broke in with a little help from their friends and took those few items they needed for survival. You know like a; Surround-A-Sound System, with HDTV, 64" Flat Panel Display to watch your favorite local team the Saints. |
© Athifea Distribution LLC - 2013 |