Closing the Feedback Loop

In earlier articles, I've often spoken about the supreme importanceof becoming a good listener. I've even gone as far as to suggestthat listening might be the most important communication skill of them all.

It should be so simple. Yet, it's not simple.

Before I explain why, let me tell you an enlightening story. Dr. Mort Orman of Stresscure.com conducted a communication seminar for a group of experienced physicians on the staff of a certain hospital. It was held on the hospital premises. One particular doctor was a rather reluctant attendee - he showed up only because his department headhad pressured him to do so.

During the seminar, participants were paired up with partners,and one member of each pair was asked to play the role of apatient with a problem. The partner played the role ofphysician or counselor.

The catch was the "doctors" weren't allowed to do or sayanything. Their job was just to sit and listen, while their"patients" described their complaints and thought aloud whiletrying to work out their own solution.

As Dr Orman notes (and as a veteran physician, he shouldknow!) to tell a doctor to just sit there and listen - without asmuch as thinking of what to do - is usually asking an awful lot.But the response of our reluctant participant took everyone bysurprise.

For the first time, he really understood...

At the end of the experiment, when everyone was sharing theirinsights and experiences, he raised his hand and announcedwith unmistakable enthusiasm: "What I learned from thisexercise is that I almost never listen to my patients! I'mmostly paying attention to the thoughts in my own head, and Inever really appreciated this until today."

Apparently, this man was so excited by this new awarenessof self that whenever there was a short break in the remainingseminar proceedings, he would rush upstairs to practicelistening to his patients. He would sit on the bed, ask a fewquestions, and then listen intently.In fact, he was so impressed with his newly-found power - notdawning on him that he had possessed it all along - that hewould consistently arrive late for start of the following session.For the first time, he felt he really understood what made hispatients tick - or why they weren't ticking, depending whichway you look at it.

Now, when you go out your way to try to understand howothers are feeling, how they perceive a given situation, what'sreally bugging them, the process, as a rule, doesn't justend there. Well, at least, it shouldn't.

Most likely, you'll respond. You'll communicate back to theother parties your awareness of their feelings and perceptions,your appreciation of their hopes, doubts and fears. Before youknow it, you have created what some writers call a feedbackloop.

To close a feedback loop, in short, requires validation of themessage your opposite number wants to convey to you, evenif you don't agree with it.

Here's a true incident to illustrate what can happen when afeedback loop is not closed. It's a very extreme example,and it's very far from a pretty story. But it does give ussomething to think about.

During World War Two, one cattle car after another, packedwith human cargo, arrived at the Auschwitz death camp.Terrified, naked people were driven with whips into the gaschambers.

But two young men managed to escape under a pile ofclothing that was being carted away in a truck. Even morethan the desire to save their own lives, they were motivated bythe wish to warn their fellow Jews of the incredible scenesthey had witnessed with their own eyes.

Unfortunately, hardly any one believed them. The few who didwere silenced as being crazy or lacking in faith. Eventually,both young men committed suicide.

As I said, an extreme, most tragic, case. Who knows howwe would have reacted had we been the listeners?

But at least we should understand the added pain of a spouseor fellow worker who shares with us something weighing veryheavily on their minds, when we respond with a glib,perfunctory: "Don't worry, everything will be OK!"

It's like removing a chair from under their feet.

Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu. com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular website helps you to improve your communication and relationship skills on all levels, in business and professional life, in the family unit, and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.