40 Days and 40 Nights

I am beginning a journey starting tomorrow. I have decided that doing some serious soul searching is in order for me. I have been getting messages so to speak that make me realize I am changing into someone I don't particularly like right now. I feel ashamed and unworthy as a spiritual person and I need this chance to prove my worth not only to my self but to the One who created me. I am making some promises on this day, that I intend to take seriously and to heart, not just to heart though. I need to take this into my soul.

I am feeling a little resentful of things I have experienced as of late, why do I feel such a need to challenge my decisions all of the time? Why is it that I constantly look for something better and new? I am taking this challenge to heart. I am going to, for the next 40 days, limit my attitude towards others and myself, what I mean by that is simply this, I am going to treat myself as I wish to be treated. I am not going to let people use me run over me or upset me. How am I going to do this? I am going to take myself out of the picture. I am going to make other people see themselves. I will make them feel good about them in some way no matter how minut. I will remind everyone of something good I see in them. If it is simply a compliment, praise, a hand if need be. I will make everyone around me feel important and maybe just maybe, they will see me for who I am really and not what they want, maybe they will see me as someone who deserves respect.

I see it all the time. I let people use me too much I think, and I do it simply because I think well if it was me I would want to be treated this way. I guess it finally got to me, I get tired of letting people run over me. Usually I take it in stride and move on, but for some reason it is hitting me harder than it ever has, if I do not do something now, I feel myself falling into what I hate. I cannot stand people who whine and complain yet do absolutely nothing to change the situation they are in. I am not like that, but yet at times I expect things from people and maybe they just don't know or just don't get it. My friends are great, I love them dearly. I have met some great people in the past few months and really am grateful for that. But I also notice I am getting untrusting and demanding about it. I don't like seeing myself that way. I seem to question everyone's motives, well maybe not to them, but it is getting hard for me to let people in again.

At one time in my life, years past. It was impossible for me to let people get close, they could get so far only to have me push them away in one way or another. I feel that creeping in once again. I look at everyone as a friend, I even let them get by with hurting me when I used to never allow it. Since letting my guard down I have been happier but also living in a fantasy land that needs to be shut down. I need to open my eyes and see people for who they are, not look at everyone as if they have some agenda but look with my eyes open. It seems my years of forgiving and forgetting have finally got to me. I noticed I started voicing my opinions and concerns to a very dear friend of mine, yet to me it seemed like I was trashing all these people and it just isn't me. I have an, I don't care attitude, even if noone sees it. The one thing that has been so important to me and my life is acceptance. I feel I rarely have that for some reason. Oh people appreciate me and like me, but I don't know why. I guess to me I feel as if I don't accept me myself. I open up to friends but few no my real heart. I seem to be blessed with meeting the right people at the right time. My blessings run over at times and I feel overwhelmed with emotion when I see it. Some people I reach out to seem impossible to touch. I become frustrated but hold on giving them the benefit of the doubt to later realize I have wasted my time and a part of my life, why do I feel that way it was my choice right? I think I do it because I want them to see there is more to life than what they are seeing, then I get slapped in the face with, they just don't get it and they just don't care, so I am left wondering how I could have done more and what I could have done differently. I guess it just isn't up to me to save the world but even knowing that doesn't seem to change the fact that I want to.

So how do you not save your friends and family, how do you not save the people you love and care about? I mean how do you just give that up? When that is the one thing in your life you are most proud of? What is the one thing you seek above all else? I know what it is I seek, but it seems an impossible dream, over and over you get shot down in this quest and you tread on, maybe a little lighter than before, but your steps get heavier and heavier and you come to a place where you need to rest an then it seems time has stopped and why go forward when it is so comfortable right where you are. I do care. I care a lot about this world and the people in it. I care about you as an individual but I also care about me. I know I can reach some people and I have, but I can't change everyone. Does that mean I should stop all together?

I have decided to do this thing, 40days and 40 nights to get connected with me and my emotions, also to feel closer to God and draw myself back up to where I once was, to focus on my own needs yet be there for you also. I can do both. Maybe letting go of the people' who cant see and refuse to, and focusing on the ones who want to, will be the first step I take but I don't know. I need to go into myself and see what it is I need to do and when I get myself back, the trusting yet cautious person who loves a great deal and cares more than you know, I will begin to reach out to many and see what I need to. God be with me as He always has been. And God be with you too. May many blessings fall at your feet. God Bless you.

Vaughn Pascal

To Dakota: I love you..