So, How Big is Your Penis?

As a result of dating for decades and chatting with many singles of both sexes, I've gathered some interesting and helpful insights about men and women. Here are a few:

The Age Thing.

New millennium or not, it's still dicy for a guy to ask a woman her age, especially after just meeting, and especially if she's over 35. When dating websites feature 60-year old geezers who won't look at a woman over 39, it's not surpising why some single women are age sensitive. Personally, I don't get the "old guy, young babe" thing, but it is the way some guys think. The other obvious sensitivity has to do with women who desire a family.

The ironic thing is how ignorant many guys are about this issue especially when they're often the ones fueling it. To them, age is just a friggin' number. So, to those men I say, "sure it's a 'friggin' number', and so is the size of your penis." Now there's a friggin' number some guys aren't so quick to discuss.

The Size Thing.

Since many guys will think nothing of asking a woman her age in the first 2 minutes of meeting, try this... when a guy asks your age, smile politely and tell him. Then ask his penis size.

Of course most women I've encountered say they don't really care about penis size. They claim they're simply not as preoccupied with physical attributes the way men are. And judging from the couples I've seen, I don't doubt that theory. But I've noticed there is an area where size does matter to women.

The Height Thing.

I've discovered that a man can be old, fat, bald, with a small penis and criminal record, but God forbid he's short. With the possible exceptions of Danny DeVito and Napolean most women have a real problem with short guys. I've made another observation. A man can be old, fat, bald, with a small penis and criminal record and be short, if he's a great dancer.

The Dancing Thing.

Having the ability to glide a woman around a dance floor is -- for a guy -- like having some kind of super-power over women. Virtually any guy can enter a crowded room, walk up to the most attractive woman in the place, and in seconds be rubbing bods. Try that without music and you're talkin' 3 to 5 at Levinworth. The crazy thing is that most guys aren't into dancing. They're simply clueless.

Bubble baths, football, and porn.

Call it a strong feminine side but I actually like dancing. I also dig bubble baths. Hey, don't get me wrong, I also love football and porn, but I'm telling you if more women were into football and porn and more guys were into bubble baths and dancing we'd probably have a lot fewer divorces. But that's another article.


Đ 2005 John Follis. All rights reserved.

John Follis is a columnist and nationally published humorist. His essay "MAD AVE" is featured in a pop-culture anthology entitled Mirror On America which includes essays from Stephen King and Dave Barry. He can be reached at john@follisinc.com